November has been a rough month for me. I’ve been struggling a lot, with a number of things, my mental health especially. My depression has reared its ugly head and I’ve been in what can only be described as a downward spiral for the past month or possibly even more. I recognize this though, and am trying to take steps to get myself out of it, even though it is incredibly difficult. But as with anything, the first step is to recognize it. I’m not in a good place and I am trying to get myself into a better one.
I guess, really, this has been coming for months, it’s just really been hitting me hard now. I am having difficulty being around people, especially larger groups or crowds. It is so incredibly tempting to barricade myself inside my apartment and not come out until…Spring, or sometime months from now. I wish living with depression and anxiety was easier to live with, but nothing about living with mental illness is easy. It is a daily struggle, especially during this time of year for me. Just being able to get everyday things done is a huge victory. Lately, even those simple things haven’t been getting done; as an example, my laundry is completely done for the first time in over a month. It has been over a month since I haven’t had a huge load of laundry needing to be done. My dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be done on average for close to a week. It’s hard to do even these simple things. I spent a lot of time this weekend trying to get those easy things back on track and finally now, on Sunday, most of the everyday things around home are finally done again. It was slow-going, but I have to count the things I managed to accomplish this weekend, even if it did take ages, as a huge victory right now.
I find that I feel too much, but also not enough. My motivation is nil, my energy level is nil. I have to force myself to do things because there is no chance they would get done otherwise. It’s exhausting. I struggle to get out of bed during the week for work. All that really does get my out of bed is Tobi. Without my cat, I would be getting even less done than I do.
Admittedly, the transition to living alone hasn’t exactly been simple, and three months later I am definitely still adjusting. I’m still learning how to live alone. I’m thankful for the fact that I do see friends and family more often; it gives me something to look forward to. Financially things have been tricky too. Making just enough to pay your bills is a bit frustrating. I have been looking for a second job to supplement my current income, but at many places I just missed the holiday hiring sprees for seasonal employees. It will be a little while before that part-time job finally happens, probably not until after Christmas. So until then things continue to be very tight. It all factors into how I am doing, in one way or another.
Everything is just so difficult! About a month ago, I wrote a blog post about rebooting my life and created a list of things in order to do so. I’ve mostly failed at it so far, barring one or two things. I’m not giving up, because that was my first recognition that something had to be done to help myself. At this point, I’d say I’ve managed to make some serious progress in reading more, and in using my phone more appropriately. Go me. 2 out of 8. Hopefully I will be managing to make accomplishments with all out soon enough. I will write another post about that when I get there. I also did a week-long project focusing on positivity that helped for a short time as well. It was fun and it did make a difference but it was very exhausting and I needed to focus what little energy I had elsewhere.
Things haven’t been easy and I have to admit they’d be much worse if I wasn’t seeing my therapist. I have been seeing her for over year now, and we have managed to keep me off medication, which makes me feel good. I hope to continue to manage without medication in the future. She has provided me with tools to cope and manage my anxiety and depression, she helps me to recognize when it is necessary to take my vitamins and supplements if I’ve stopped (which tends to happen relatively often), she has taught me how important self-care and doing things to look after myself is, even if I do forget to do these things relatively often, especially when I feel like I do now. Finally, she just lets me cry if I need to. She listens. I’m so thankful for her, and being lucky to find a therapist I can work with on the first try. Living like this is still difficult, but it would be MUCH more difficult without her help.
And so there you have it, a little snapshot of what I’ve been living with for the last while. It’s not fun, it’s not pleasant, it’s actually pretty messy. But I’m doing my best to help myself in whatever ways I can. I’m hoping that next week’s post will be a bit happier and less messy. This is a little bit more stream-of-consciousness than I usually write. I’ve been calling it word vomit on the page for most the time I’ve spent writing this.