You Know Something’s Wrong When…

The world we are living in is a very difficult one to live in. On one hand we are surrounded by SO MANY great and beautiful things like friends, family, nature, the freedoms we enjoy – but on the other hand we are dogged by some of the ugliest things. Racism and bigotry are very much alive and well. Violence is everywhere we turn. Extremists of all kinds seek to dismantle all that we have worked hard to achieve as a society. This is becoming especially apparent with our southern neighbours, the U.S., based on recent events.

I have been struggling a lot with my depression this summer in and of itself, but watching events unfold around the world, mostly in the U.S. since Donald Trump was elected president, has been profoundly disheartening and has had a negative effect on my mental health overall. It has added to what has felt like a gradual spiral dive turned crash and burn into the ground. My mental health is in the shitter. My anxiety is at a 2-year peak, and my depression is the worst it has been since I went on medication approximately a year ago. I realize part of it is seasonal, part of it has a social aspect, but I feel like a large portion can be attributed to struggling to live in this world we have created for ourselves. I’m not saying I am suicidal or having suicidal thoughts, but it is becoming more and more difficult to go about my day knowing what has been happening elsewhere and thinking about what could potentially happen that day. It’s a very stressful way to live.

The events that took place in Charlottesville this month had a more profound effect on me than I ever could have expected, leading me to examine my own belief system and the way I look at this and similar situations. The fact that neo-Nazi, white supremacist, and white nationalist groups feel like they have a place in society today is scary to me; bordering on terrifying. They shouldn’t have a place anywhere. I thought we as people learned from history, at the conclusion of World War Two, 72 years ago. I was so, so incredibly wrong.

I consider myself a feminist, and my political leanings are quite far left. I am very much against any form of racism, bigotry, or hatred; things that are very easy to say considering my privilege. Sadly, it is all I seem to see when I attempt to read or catch up on the news.

It’s difficult to handle these huge amounts of negativity everywhere when living with depression. I sit here and feel like I should be doing something about it. Single-handedly if I could, as impossible as that is.  I question myself constantly: Do I do enough? Do I allow it to happen? Am I helping to perpetrate racism and bigotry and hatred as a white person? I know there are opportunities out there, but most times I just do not have the energy or the motivation. It’s difficult enough to get out of bed every day and get my self to work, let alone do anything else.

It’s so hard living in this world. It makes me want to rage quit.

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On More Cats and (Still) Being Sick

It has been a bit of a roller coaster over the past couple of weeks, both in regard to my health and my emotions.

I have been struggling with this nasty lingering cold for the past month. Last week, I thought I’d kicked it, but nope. A nasty cough has no reared its ugly head and I’m now back to not sleeping at all well during the night. It has been a very frustrating experience overall, especially since I am so infrequently ill. I just want to be health again. It’s been over a month now! I’ve been trying to take it easy, but I am still trying to do some things, because not having a life just sucks. This weekend though, I ended up missing something I really wanted to go to, and that was disappointing. I would be very happy if that didn’t happen again. I’ve spent a lot of time playing World of Warcraft, when it doesn’t give me a headache.

The personal emotional roller coaster of the past few weeks has been intense, but not necessarily a bad experience. It has been an interesting one at the very least! A bit over two weeks ago now, a friend of mine tagged me in a photo of the cutest kitten that was up for adoption at a rescue a couple of hours away in Toronto. I investigated further and learned that he had a brother as well, and the rescue wanted to see them adopted together. Naturally, I fell in love from their photos, being the cat lover that I am. On a whim, I filled out an application to adopt them.

Over a week later, I finally got a message on Facebook asking me to call them, and I promptly returned the call and left a message as there was no answer. I called again around noon the next day and found out they had not chosen me, sadly. Because I live two hours away and it would take time for me to get there, I was declined. But it made sense to me, and I did my best to consider that possibility logically. I was disappointed, but it is what it is. It solidified my plan to adopt a second cat, but I opted to wait a little while – until the spring. In the spring, the shelters seen to have an influx of cats that need adopting, so it seems like a prime time to actively look. Funny enough, early mid last week I found another cat with potential, this time locally. I applied for him and am waiting for a response as of this post. I am hopeful, but I am not getting my hopes up too high. I will hopefully hear back about a phone interview this week sometime.

It’s Sunday night now, and I have a massive headache thanks to this cough, and I didn’t have hot water for the better part of the day. After I finish the cup of tea I have on the go, I am going to take a much-needed shower and then curl up to read for a while before bed. I am hoping that this week will be the end of this cold and cough and I can really start working on getting things back to normal.

It’s Okay… (Some Heavy Stuff)

  • To make hard decisions about what’s best for you, even if it may hurt others
  • To try to help yourself
  • To focus on your own happiness rather than that of someone else
  • To put yourself first. Period.
  • To make mistakes and learn from them
  • To not regret something that didn’t work out, even if you worked at it for a long time
  • To want more – to be the best you can be
  • That things don’t always go the way you hope or plan
  • To be nervous about starting over
  • To feel like it is time to start over
  • To be even just a little bit selfish

I recently went through a major life change. The relationship I’ve been in for the past six years came to an end and I find myself in a position of starting over again.  I’m not going to go into details, but things just weren’t working out anymore. For the past seven weeks or so, I was splitting my time between living at my mom’s house on weekends (my cat moved in with her) and a friend’s house during the week so I could continue to work. I used the time to get my practical affairs in order. My ridiculous student loan has been refinanced, my expenses and budget have been revamped, and I’ve found a new place of my own to live. I have been living here now for just over a week.  I am both excited and nervous about how things have shaped up. The logical things have been the easy part to deal with. I have been trying to get my emotional affairs in order as well. I’m “okay” now, but still learning how to be on my own emotionally, though at times I am still a bit of a wreck. I tear up at odd things, ideas, thoughts… Little things will trigger unexpected emotions. I miss things, the good things, but I guess that’s something that’s to be expected. We tend to remember more good things than bad (though, try to remember a proper compliment!). Going forward everything is going to be new to me. I’ve never actually lived completely on my own before. I’ve always had at least a roommate. As such, the place I have found is quite small. I don’t think I could handle a large space for just me and my cat right now. The location is great. It’s actually within walking distance of my job, which is incredibly convenient. Added bonus: it’s affordable. I have just about everything I need too. There are just a few minor furniture details to be ironed out.  I think I am ready for this. It’s time for me. Time to do things my way.

This past week in my new apartment has been a definite adjustment for me. I actually can’t remember the last time I was completely alone, and I have been “alone” aside from a few visitors since Tuesday night. It’s been a new experience. I have to admit I have been texting friends a lot more often than usual. I am sure they are sick of hearing from me. But I have been adjusting to my new surroundings and situation slowly but surely, as has Tobi. We are now both sleeping through the night, and our days are pretty chill. I took last week off work, and I am glad I did. Neither of us would have been ready for me to go back before Tuesday. I am learning to be alone… to live alone, to be alone, to do things on my own. I guess I am learning to fully exercise my independence at this point. For many years, I think have been afraid to. One of the many things being shoved on me that are new, that I need to get over the fear of. Slowly but surely, I seem to be gaining a bit of confidence. I hope that now I am back to work, Tobi and I will settle into a new routine and I will become more comfortable with things as they are now.

I am ready for fresh new and exciting things to come in the future. I hope to share those things as they come along. Hello, new life.